Forgive Yourself

I truly believe one of the hardest things in life is to forgive yourself for things you have done in the past. I used to believe that your past defined you as a person, but I don’t think that is true anymore. I don’t know if you can fully escape your demons, and maybe you’re a lucky one and don’t have anything to be ashamed of.

I can’t say that for myself.

I have hurt people, emotionally. I have taken sweet people, and twisted them into monsters. I am to blame for some of the awful people who roam this earth. It’s a continuous, vicious cycle. Ruining people, so they can go around and ruin others, and blame the world for their problems.

I’m not proud of some things I have done. I used to blame others for the way I treated them, but this was folly. Nobody made me do those things. I was in control. Friendships ruined. I pollute people.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for everything, especially for hurting family, friends, and my very loving partner. I know I have broken his heart in the past, more than once, and I know that I changed him, some ways, probably not for the better. And I can’t take it back, and I can’t make him see me as he used to, and that’s what breaks my heart the most. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that if I lived a hundred lifetimes.

Jesse, you are my rock and I cannot wait to see the things we will get to experience together. No matter the heartless, angry, lost soul I once was, you stuck by me and I couldn’t ever thank you enough for it.We have three kitties, and you are going into the military this summer. I know it may not be entirely what you had planned for yourself, but I am grateful for the support you provide us. I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us when you return from training. Every new experience, every new place, every new joke, I want nothing more than for it to be shared with you. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you.

I was a royal pain in the ass as a teenager. I blamed it on my parent’s divorce, and my mother re marrying, but it was just spite, confusion and immaturity. Every day I fought them, on everything and anything that I could. I wish I didn’t give my mother so many bad memories of my youth. I wish I didn’t make my step dad resent me for as long as he did. My parents and I get along great now, but I tell you, there were many harsh words, fighting, name calling, threats, and all around just nasty memories before we finally put it behind us and started fresh.

When my parents divorced I was 13, almost 14. My brother was three years younger. We didn’t really understand the pain they were both in. I certainly couldn’t understand it when it first happened. I used to blame things on it. I would shoplift, curse, bully people, stay out past curfew, get drunk, break all the rules on purpose and blame it on my parents divorce. But that was poppycock.

I miss my dad. I wish I had called my dad more often back then. I never imagined how difficult it was for him., having to leave us and go home alone. We went with mom and our stepfather, and moved to another country! Dad was gracious through it all, and I guess I can say as far as divorces go, my parents had it good. They don’t hate each other, they know they did the right thing. But deep down I know my dad wishes things could have been different. He missed out on a lot of our lives, not by his choice, it’s just how the cards were dealt. We were so consumed by change, that I don’t think we ever thought about our parents feelings. I went months without calling him. Not on purpose, I just didn’t remember to do it. I try to call him every week now. I’m sorry. I love you dad.

Oh mother dearest, I haven’t forgotten you. My god did we fight, all of the damn time. I don’t know how you put up with me. I really don’t know how all of your hair didn’t fall out years ago. There are things that happened between us that I won’t mention. We are supposed to be past it, but I don’t know if that kind of hurt can ever really go away. I don’t want you to ever think that my bad decisions had anything to do with you. It is amazing how you can do anything in this world. Jesse still makes fun of me, because if I have a question, you’re the first person I pick up the phone to call.  I used to want nothing more as a teenager to be free of your control, and now all I want is your advice and your approval of everything I have become. I hope I haven’t disappointed you. I love you so very much, and I don’t know what I would have done all of these years without you.

Dear stepfather, I disliked you very much when I first met you, and those awful feelings continued until I moved out I daresay. I laugh when I think back about how bad I acted, just to spite you. I loved to get you pissed, argue with you, and then run to mom when I had enough. You beat me though. That very last time we fought. And maybe moving back here was what I needed, in fact, I know it was what needed to happen. I was in such a bad place, with no one to blame but myself. I was so spiteful, and angry at the world when I came back to Nova Scotia. I hurt my partner because of my anger and carelessness. The only thing I regret is not coming back earlier and being in my right state of mind. I destroyed everything around me. Anything I touched turned to ash. But ultimately, Jesse helped me get through it, and I learned a lot from the experience.

I thank you Barry, for trying to be my friend, even when I hated you. I know you tried when I was younger, but it was folly, because I wasn’t willing to let you in. We get along great now, and I love you dearly. You make my mother so very happy and you both are an amazing team. The one night I will never forget is in the Oklahoma hospital when I had my first fainting spell and had to have staples put in the back of my skull. It was excruciating, and I will always remember you holding my hand through it. I am sorry for how I treated you in the past, and I am so happy that we get along so well now. You are a lot of fun to have in our lives, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

So it is important, no matter what you’ve done, to try to forgive yourself. We all have our embarrassing stories, and shitty experiences and mistakes. And that is okay.


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